Thursday, April 15, 2004

I haven't been writing much as of late, other than my obligatory notes at work. Here's Why:

Two weeks ago, my Step-Brother Mike got married. This meant that I had to see my Dad and my Step-Mom. Now, it's not that things are bad between my Dad and I. On the contrary, they are quite good as far as Father/Son relations go for a guy in his 30s. I see him once or twice a year. We have a couple of beers and you know, it's okay.

But it stresses me out when I see him. I'm still trying to impress him. Funnily enough, I was actually able to impress him when I was up there. See, he just bought a new computer. And he had me check it over to make sure everything was set up all right.

He was looking over my shoulder watching me type and move the mouse and you know, just do what us computer types do at work all day, and he was amazed. I finally got his attention. And I was just being me.

Dad used to come visit my sister Julie and I, as I have written about previously. After I got back from the wedding, I got to thinking about why he stopped coming 'round. We would meet him for drinks at Bugsy's restaurant here in St. Catharines, and we would spend the whole dinner just talking about the past. Julie and I both acted like attention starved little 5 year olds everytime we saw him. It wasn't always like that, but maybe how often it was was just too often. We just tried too hard to tell him how much we loved him and how hurt we had been growing up without him and maybe it was just too much for the old guy. I think he just got overwhelmed.

If he felt like I felt after that weekend visit EVERYTIME he visited us; if seeing us opened old wounds again and again.. maybe that's why he pushed away. I don't think it was ever our fault that he's distanced himself again. But I think sometimes it's easier to avoid than to confront. It's easier to go through your life day by day instead of having to be reminded again and again of those past wounds. So I am doing what I should have done a long time ago. I'm lowering my expectations. He's my Father. He doesn't have to be my Dad. As relatives go, he's alright.

Julie. It's alright. He does love us. He wasn't PRESENT for us when we were children, but we can't make him be so now. We cannot undo the past.